Unfinished but to be finished

Bodies

Natalia

It was the start of summer and I’ve already got myself into something I never wanted to be into. I had changed over the course of the new school year and for some reason, I felt like I was going to be on top of the world this summer and I was ready to do new experiences and hopefully get out of the loop of sadness. There was a party going on that night and I figured I’d go to set off my summer right since I never get out of the house anyways. I still didn’t have my license even though I was 16 but I didn’t mind, I was going to get it soon anyways.
It was getting late and I wasn’t ready to go against my comfort zone but it took me forever to get myself to get myself to actually go. I argued about my hair not looking right and would sit there wanting to look great or my outfit not looking right. I was wearing high waisted, light wash jeans that had gold studs on one of the back pockets and I wore a black fitted crop top with these black heels I haven’t wore yet. I knew I would end up taking the off during the night but I wore them anyways, they looked so good.
I waited till everyone was asleep and I walked out of the house with ease and went a little ways down the street and met up with my friend Lana. She told me some guys she knew were coming to get us and that they’d be here soon. I haven’t seen her in a while until now, she finally told me to get out of the house and hangout with her and her friends for once and said I’d have a lot of fun. I didn’t know what she was getting into anymore and there is no telling what were getting into tonight but I was kind of scared of what was going to happen.
I knew I should have reconsidered my shoe choice whenever the two boys pulled up in an escalade and I knew it would be hard for me to get in. Lana let me sit up front and she sat in the back win her boyfriend as they smoked a cigarette together and the one driving seemed real eased with everything. He asked me for my name and it made me feel nice cause I haven’t met a anyone knew it a long time. “Natalia” I said in a soft voice, kind of nervous. He smiled and said he liked my name that it looks like it fits me very well. “I’m Fletcher if Lana hasn’t told you, I guess I’ll be the designated driver tonight because I’m not really into anything you all are into. Ha. ” I felt kinda awkward because I couldn’t believe Lana made it sound like I was going to get wasted tonight like she is. He seemed like a nice boy and I wouldn’t mind having a friendship with someone different because my boyfriend can be a little over the top sometimes. ” Yeah, I’m not like that at all haha. I just came a long to have a little fun to start off my lame summer. ”
“It’s good to know I’m not the only one anymore haha but I feel as if this summer will be a good one, it’s been a while. ”
We were driving along the road and Dom asked Fletcher to stop at this place and to wait on him to get back. We sat for a minute or so and he came back with a tin of peppermint Altoids. It was weird cause I didn’t know why he got them and then he opened it and asked if any of us want a free pop before he starts selling them at the party. It then clicked what it was. “Ecstasy?” I said in a confused voice.
“Yeah, what’s a rave without it? It’s like eating cake without icing, what’s the point if you don’t have it?”
I didn’t think it was going to get that serious tonight and Lana never told me we were going to a rave. She described it more as a small get together and by the look of Fletcher’s face, he didn’t know either. I was kind of wishing I just rode with my boyfriend and his friends cause I knew they wouldn’t be doing any of this but I just sat back and enjoyed the ride as much as I can but it was hard with hearing kissing in the backseat.
We arrived at the party and we all went behind the old building that was dressed with lights and loads of people going in. Dom asked if Fletcher and I would try to have fun tonight knowing we barely do and Fletcher took a tab if ecstasy and told me he would try it if I did to. I wanted to branch out but not in this way but I did it anyways to feel a little something. Fletcher grabbed me and walked me into the building and helped me find my boyfriend. At that moment everything just sounded and looked so vibrant. I felt so happy at the moment. And looking for my boyfriend was just such an excitement like playing hide and go seek. It started to bother me that I couldn’t find him and then I finally did. He had a beer bottle in his hand, in which is so unlike him, and he grabbed my hand and kissed me. Aaron was acting so different. He seemed like he was on cloud nine whenever I was still trying to find what mood I was feeling next in the cycle. I felt kind of hot so I took off the light jacket I had on and threw it on a table. Aaron looked at me and said “Holy fuck.” He went off to the side and I seen him get a condom from a friend and he came back to me and he chugged the rest of his beer and set it down and grabbed me close and tried making out with me and I was trying to push away but I couldn’t get him off me. “Stop I can’t do this!” I pushed him off me and I was crying and I ran off without looking back and I guess my happiness was ending and I wanted to find Fletcher cause I knew he would take care of me.
I sat in a corner in the back by the bathrooms with my makeup running down my face and forgetting I left my phone in my jacket pocket not even knowing where it would’ve gone by now. I went into the restroom and looked at myself and I felt so over it as I wiped all my makeup off still looking like a trashed whore due to my eyeliner not coming off all the way. On my way out I bumped into Fletcher as he lifted up my chin and seen that I had been crying. He told me to come with him and that we would get out of there. As I was walking out with him, I seen Aaron dancing with another girl closer than he’s ever got with me. I wanted to cry more but I just held it in so Fletcher didn’t have to deal with it. We got to his car and he gave me my jacket he found with my phone. I felt more cold than what my jacket could help me so Fletcher took his off and put it around me and told me things would be alright. “What happened in there? You seemed so happy to see your boyfriend. ” he said in a caring voice. I didn’t want to discuss my relationship with another guy cause I barely knew him and I didn’t want him to hear me talk about it. ” I want to listen, you can tell me anything. ”
” He tried to get me to have sex with him, I’m still a virgin and it really made me upset that he tried that. He was drunk and that made it even worse. I didn’t know what to do. Then when we were walking out, he was on top of another girl I’ve never seen and it looked like they were going to get it on later. Hard to say though. He’s never been like this. ”
He looked into my eyes and told me that if he hurts me that I need to come to him, no one else. It felt so good that someone cared and was actually sober to take care of me. I was desperate for someone to just care about me at that moment. It might not have seemed long, but I had been at that party for hours. There was so many people, and so much booze and drugs being passed around.
Fletcher drove me home and put his number in my phone and told me to call anytime I needed anything. I got out of his car and walked on my bare feet with my heels in my left hand. He watched me go inside my house so he knew I would get inside safe. I tip toed through the house to my room and I shut the door quietly and just laid on my bed. I couldn’t have wished for a night worse than that to start off my summer. My heart was broken and I didn’t know what to do about it.

I woke up that next morning at about 9 due to the sun coming into my room through my bay windows. I got up just in a big t-shirt and underwear and I opened my blinds and opened my window to smell fresh air. It felt good for it to be a new day and that I was hoping that night was a dream. I walked downstairs to make breakfast but it turned out breakfast had already been made and it made me happy that this morning was starting out right. My brother was about to head out and asked me if I wanted to go to the park with him to help him on a project he was doing but I declined because I felt like I had other business to take care of before I did anything. I did the dishes and back up to my room to check my texts and I got one from my boyfriend telling me good morning acting like nothing happened. I had another text of a picture of Aaron and that girl getting it on in the backseat of his car but at that point I didn’t care. I sent it to Aaron and told him that some mistake can’t be made up for and that I’m sorry for his loss. He tried calling me over and over again and I only picked it up once just to hear him say that it wasn’t him but it clearly was. I hung up and ignored him the rest of the time. I thought about calling Fletcher and asking him if he would like to hangout today but I was nervous.
A few weeks later I got a call from him. ” hello?”
” this is Natalia isn’t it?
“Of course haha, what’s up?”
“I was wondering if you’d like to come downtown with me and we can grab lunch or something. How does that sound?
“Yeah, I’d love that. Pick me up at 12?”
” yep, I’ll see you later.”
I was excited to be able to see my hero of that night. I got ready and soon enough I heard a knock on the door. I looked out my window and it was Fletcher. I let my mom answer the door and she told him to come in and sit down and that I was still getting ready. I was already ready, but I took time to make sure my outfit with with me correctly. I was content and I went downstairs. It seemed my mom and him were having a conversation and she seemed to like him already. We said bye to my parents and we left. He told me to hook my phone up to his Bluetooth radio in his car and play something. I was nervous, thinking he wouldn’t like my kind of music. I picked a song out of random out of my recently played hoping for the best. ” you know this song? “
He said it kind of in that voice that he can’t believe I listen to music that barely has lyrics but he told me he absolutely loves it. I was excited that someone had the same music taste as me and it seemed Aaron never liked anything I listened to.
It seems as if the car ride went by so fast, we talked a lot and he made me laugh and smile. I felt so much better than what last night made me. We got to this place I’ve never seen before, it seemed busy but it was obviously a new restaurant. He opened the door and I walked in and we went and sat down at a table. My phone buzzed, I told Fletcher my mom was calling and that I’d be right back. I went outside in the back parking lot and talked to Lana to see what she had to say. She told me she was going to come over that night and she said she had to go mid through the conversation.
I went back to Fletcher and this girl was talking to him and she was sat down in my seat. I walked in and she stood up and smiled at me. I sat down and waited for him to tell me who it was but he acted like she was never there. I wanted to ask but I felt like it was none of my business. We carried on with lunch but once our food arrived, he said he’d be right back and he walked out the door with his phone up to his ear. I sat there waiting for about 30 minutes and I just went ahead and paid for the meal and walked out. I didn’t see him at all and so I went walking down the street as it was starting to get darker.
It finally turned dark and I was quite afraid. I was a little torn that he left me and didn’t say a word. I had no one to turn to except one person and it made me feel sick that it would come down to this. I called Aaron asking if he would pick me up. He came but I didn’t really have much to say and neither did he. He asked why I was downtown by myself at night and I lied and told him I had lunch with Lana but something came up for her and she had to leave and I had no one else to get me. I looked around his car and I seen an earring laying on his dash. “What? It’s just an earring.” He said with flat tone. ” but it’s not mine. ” I started crying after that and he just had a blank face staring at the road and didn’t say anything after.
The car ride finally ended and my night felt even worse after that, I felt as if no one cared. He told me if I needed anything else, that just to call him. I just wanted to hug him. “Thank you. So much.” He smiled and I got out of the car and he left. He seemed happy but I was upset.
I got into my room and it seemed Lana already found her way in without me there. She was smoking a blunt in my room and the smell was everywhere even though she had the windows open. I’m surprised she is getting away with it knowing my parents know the smells and looks of all the drugs in the world. ” How was it? Dom said he talks about you a lot!” I felt embarrassed if I told her he ditched me but I did anyways. She told me she doesn’t understand why he would cause he’s a really nice guy and he didn’t seem like the kind of person to do that to anyone. “Should I call him?” She shook her head yes and I continued to pick up the phone and dial his number. I was a bit uneasy about it but I doubt he’s going to answer.
Fletcher answered the phone and acted like he didn’t know who I was. I felt my eyes trying to tear up but I held back from it as I sat silent over the phone. “It’s Natalia, Fletcher. If you want to act like you don’t know who I am after what you did, then don’t even bother to call me ever again. ” I hung up the phone but after I did, he sent a text saying, ” I’m sorry, I’d like to try again. I messed up. ” As much as I wanted to ignore it, I just sent back an “ok” so it shows I’m still mad but I’m up for it. Lana didn’t have much to say except for laughing since she was high but I didn’t really mind cause I’ve gotten use to it ever since she started hanging around Dom.
After a few hours, her laughing had came to a stop and it seemed she actually wanted to talk to me for real this time. ” So, have you heard from Aaron in a while?” I didn’t want to start having another emotional pool going on but I think I would do just fine holding back the tears. ” Actually, I seen him today. I asked him to pick me up tonight whenever Fletcher ditched me. I think he’s seeing another girl now cause I seen an earring on his dash. ”
“Does that not kill you?”
” It did, I cried in front if him but he didn’t say anything to me. ” She looked at me and was wondering why I wasn’t using her for a shoulder to cry on. I didn’t want her to suffer by hearing me cry but I think she might have something to say too.
” I think Dom might be cheating on me. I noticed he has been talking to another girl on his phone and I don’t want to ask him and he get mad. “
” Well, let’s find out. Where’s he at?”
” He said he was going over to James’s house tonight and that it was just going to be the guys, which I’m a bit skeptical about.”
I got together my stuff and put in clean clothes and told her that we’re going out and she smiled and got ready.
We snuck out of my window and got on the roof and walked around to the back of the house to the ladder my brother sat up to help me out on those nights in need. Before we left, I called my other friend Jenny to come get us in her car and she met us at the end of the street. We rode down to James’s house to see if they were all there. Dom didn’t lie to Lana but there seemed to be more cars than just the guys being there. We went around back and climbed up the ladders holding grape vines. We looked through the window and there were guys and girls and the music was turned up loud. We decided to go back to the front and go in through there to crash their “little” party.
I seen Fletcher in there but he wasn’t with any girl or drinking or smoking. He seemed to be the odd one out but I also seen Aaron the same way. I was nervous and I wanted to leave but if Fletcher and I wanted to try again then I think I was fine to stay there knowing Aaron has another girl. Sadly, I seen Dom with another girl that was from a high rated private school but she seemed to be the one that makes the school look like trash. Lana was so much prettier than her and I don’t understand why Dom would give that up with her. I wasn’t the first to seem them together. All of a sudden you see Lana walk over to Dom and pulls her off of him and hits her with a bottle and knocks her out. Dom gets up and starts crying himself and gets on his knees and tells her sorry so many times. She lifted up his chin for him to look at her and slaps him across the face and tells him to never call her again. She walked away without a tear in her eye. She was the strongest girl I ever knew and I wish I could be like her. Any guy would be lucky to have her but they all best be knowing that she will break their hearts even though they did things that might break hers.
Fletcher walked up to me right in front of Aaron and asked if we can talk alone. I was scared he was going to tell me something depressing but I had kind of a good feeling about it. We walked over to a bedroom and he sat me down. ” Natalia, I’m so sorry I left you today. It wasn’t for no reason though, I really wanted to be with you but I absolutely had to help Dom out of his situation. That girl that was with him put stuff in his drink, the only reason he had been talking to her was because he planned on getting her to paint a picture of the place they first met but everything just went so wrong. ”
I felt horrible cause Lana did that and Dom wasn’t even cheating on her, he never wanted to. ” What did she give him cause he kept making out with her but when Lana showed up, he still kept doing it until she pulled her off him “
He shrugged his shoulders and looked at me like he was ashamed of not helping Dom out. I pulled him off the bed and brought him back into the party to let him explain to Lana what happened.

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First letter and every other after

Feeling like earth is out of space, I want to leave to become someone
real. Real as in forgiving, loving, passionate, uplifting, and gorgeous in
everything I do. I feel like people who give everything is perfect like
eve was in all. She took the fruit. She took a chance that won’t ever be
forgiven, but she did it even though she was punished. It gave a new
outlook on her decisions. I wish I knew more about her but no one can
render out the details that were never cut for the book. I believe in
evolution. I can’t deny I share most of my DNA with the hominoids.
Very relevant talking about where we came from, but who really knows
eden was our first home, life, dream? How do we know who we are
really? It’s weird to think about but do, it’s extraordinary.

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I try so hard to feel happy for just once. I’m always tied up in my own emotions and can’t seem a way out of my own river of tears. I don’t have a bad life, I never did even though my parents give me a bit of a hard time, it’s still a good life. I have maybe one or two good friends, the others are the ones who just pretend to like you for a great reputation boost. It’s become a habit to find people who just use me cause I benefit them in some way. Mostly to get with other people that I’ve hung around before knowing I could get them in touch sometime. it’s never bothered me much cause I’ve realized my happiness is based on if my peers are happy. I’m not a careless person, my parents state I only care for myself but how is that possible when I never swing in my opinions at other people when they have great ideas and etcetera. I get mistaken for someone I’m not most of the time, mostly people who have no clue who I am make up the nasty lies about me. I never understood why I would be a target for drama when I do nothing to deserve it. I don’t talk bad about anyone, I’m not rude, I’m kind to others and I keep my best to stay out of business that isn’t mine. I can’t take insults, it makes me feel guilty and guilt is one of my main enemies when it’s never supposed to be my problem to deal with. I get blamed for most incidents because no one will stick up for what they did themselves and it sucks cause I don’t understand why someone would be so cruel like that.

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Music is my entrance to another world cause sometimes reality gets so hard on me. Songs with a dark atmosphere sound are what I like best cause that describes the other world I’m living in on the other side. I’ve got this whole image in my head of what it looks like, and it’s just like this world, but better. It’s dark and there isn’t light but you can still see everything as if you were glowing and can see everything around you because you are the light. It’s beautiful, everyone is beautiful. You’re in all white and just feel so light as light you were a feather. Some people would describe it as haunting but I find it relieving and relaxing cause no one will ever do harm to you in the world. I can’t ever go there in day time, but at night I can see it and feel it everywhere. I don’t feel so alone cause the people on the other side make me feel at home no matter where I’m at and let me know that I always have him watching over me making sure I’m okay. He says it’s okay to cry sometimes but know each time you cry, the better you’re getting and that he will never let me get worse. I don’t see him, and neither does anyone else. Sometimes people question his existence but he’s real. I say I don’t dream anymore because all I see is the other world and I’m not the only one. There are a few in it I know but it’s never really talked about because it’s our getaway until we are better and then we come back. If you go, your time freezes and you stay as long as you like and once you get back everything goes back into play. When you aren’t in it, your physical body still stays there and everything still goes on like normal. Sometimes I feel like I’m being haunted and I get scared but I have to remember it’s myself reminding me I’m not alone.

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Remember when they all said they weren’t going to turn out that way? They swore on bibles and crossed their hearts that they wouldn’t change for the world. Disgusted by the ones who did, but who are they to say their opinion? Their world soon collided with yours, peer pressure took you into the deep with just one sip you slipped into a cloud nine coma that made you feel like you were above the stars feeling better than you ever did before. Woke up to the reality where it wasn’t there anymore and threw up your feelings into the drain of sorrow wishing it never happened and that the feeling wasn’t there anymore. Telling the people close to you the feels you had spread around like poison ivy on other peoples heads getting the image of you as someone who never had a way out of the dark tunnel until they just now found the light. Worlds changed, grew older, soon the rings from your mouth felt colder. The addiction of eating away the depression from your younger years stretched across the bed that you’re laid on for the final time. Buried under the hurt that the first taste of another world you can never relive cause it was not a treat, it was a sick trick that pulled you in 6 feet deep to hear nothing but the tears from the ones who never wanted you to turn out this way. But what is even more upsetting, is that the only tears you hear are your very own.

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